Roast Chicken

OK, everybody from the divine Miss C. to Thomas Keller has suggested trussing poultry for roasting.

Chickenshit, I say.

Sure, nothing is as pretty as a lovely, browned bird with demurely folded legs pressed against the breast meat like a push-up bra. But we are EATING it, right?

Trussing (like Bugs Bunny "dressing" chickens in mini tuxedoes in "Forward March Hare" http://www.jogyjogy.com/watch.php?id=19b8e) is a maddening waste of time and twine. And most of the chefs who recommend it should know better.

Why, Gomez? Why should we ignore the admonishments of the men in white toques?

Glad you asked. What is the biggest problem with roasting whole birds? That's right, dark meat and white meat don't cook evenly. And why? First, the dark meat is denser, with more bone and connective tissue. Second, the leg, especially the thigh, isn't as exposed to the heat as the breast, and no amount of flipping, beer canning, basting, etc. can do anything about it.

So why dear readers, WHY would you insist on complicating matters by tying the leg meat tight against the body and reducing further the heat that can reach it. Not only will the breast get done well before the meat in the groin (or armpit, or whatever you call it), but the skin in this area will not, CAN NOT get crisp. Instead it will hit the table with the consistency of a recently sponged and shaved geriatric scrotum, and at about the same temperature!

To add dumb to dumber, trussing further closes off the cavity (it goes without saying you haven't fucking stuffed it, right?) preventing heat from reaching this cavernous night club of salmonella.

And of course, there's the added ten minutes fumbling around the now thoroughly infected counter: spraying chicken blood into the baby food, covering the scissors with schmaltz, and shooing away the cat who looks up at you with that "dude, precisely what the fuck are you trying to accomplish?" look on its face. Meanwhile, you strive in vain to follow the written instructions (there's never a step-by-Goddamn-step illustration, is there?) on how to truss your bird "quickly and easily, with only one length of string"

One piece of string my ass. Unless you're Alain-friggin'-Ducasse himself, forget it. Ten lengths of twine later, your bird looks like something from a bondage-freak rooster's private jerk-off collection. And just try getting that web of string off the finished bird without burning a fingertip and ripping of half the skin!

My suggestion? PRACTICE dear readers. Times and techniques vary with ovens, birds, etc. But do it without string! Let the legs spread free to brown and crisp and cook through! A well-roasted chicken is the single best way to separate the serious cook from the FoodTV tool bags of this world. Have courage and persist! And when you can consistently pull a nice fryer for two out of the oven with juicy meat and crisp skin you will know you've arrived.

(hint: start the bird in a hot pan on top of the stove back side down, or under the broiler back side up, cuz the backs a mother, too!)



Next time? Well, I’ll be off to San Francisco next week, and plan to eat my way through it. Perhaps a report will be in order.